You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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