There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
