Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we're so committed to being not committed
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
