Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
