did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
