I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
