dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think a kid would responsible me up
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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