I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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