a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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