dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
