Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
