You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
