i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Randomize
