broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
