It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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