i think i have two assholes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
