When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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