I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
