2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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