Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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