dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
