Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
