Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
