I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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