I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
