Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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