sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
