my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
