Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
