Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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