Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
