Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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