There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
