I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
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I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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