John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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