I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
