Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
