I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
