After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
