hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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