I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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