Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.