If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.