I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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