you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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