I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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