I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
