Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
