the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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