1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
