apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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