Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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