When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
