Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
