On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
