My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
